The One Influence Who Will Forever Remain With Me

Each of us has someone who helps set our path for us. Some of the time this is good, other times it is not. I was blessed to have the best woman I have ever known be my grandmother.

Nana was strong, opinionated, talented, brave and Godly. She was a woman before her time, graduating high school at 15 and college at 17, in 1928. She married my grandfather two years after and spent her life as an "Army Wife". She lived through the good and prayed through the bad. In her 50's she was widowed, and although she lived to 86, she never remarried. She could cook, garden, quilt, tumble gemstones and with a hug make everything feel better.

She did not like me when I was an older child and teenager. I was strong willed and didn't do things as she would have had me (or looking back, as I would have had me) do them. Yet, I never felt that I was not loved by her. She was honest with me and willing to tell me when she thought I was wrong and why. To date, the most profound moment of my life happened when I was 21 and she told me, "I didn't use to like you, I loved you, but I didn't like you. Now, I like you and I am proud that you are my granddaughter." The words still sting because I understand the meaning, but they make me aware of my personal journey and the woman that I have become.

Nana is why I quilt, she is why I continue to attempt to garden and she is why I try to keep my mouth closed when I want to lash out. She was a lady until the day she died and I want nothing more than to be like her. If I was recognized as a woman of her caliber, it would be saying a lot. I told her when I was 18 that I wanted to be "Susie Homemaker", the next Christmas she gave me an entire set of cookbooks. She told me that I would need the right tools if I wanted to be "Susie Homemaker". Nana listened.

These last few days, I have thought about Nana quite a bit. I think it is because she has been gone for two and a half years and so much in my life has changed. So much more is going to change, though. My mother, her daughter, is dealing with very serious health issues and Nana always seemed to have an inner strength that calmed us all. She is not here to do that now. I have to find a way to calm myself and to remains strong for my family and I am terrified that I will fail at this. I find myself wanting to retreat into my own home and ignore the life that is going on around me, but I know that this would not be living up to my grandmother's example. So now, I must pray through the bad.

For anyone reading, the best piece of advice I have ever heard came from Nana after she had been placed in Hospice. When asked what lesson was the most important in her life, she told us, "Never say anything intentionally meant to hurt another person, our words hurt others enough when we don't try."

How'd I get here?

As a 16 year old, I would never have guessed that I would be where I am today. I am married, I have two kids and I have yet to finish my college degree. I am overweight and have a divorce under my belt. All of this combined makes me want to wince. The great thing is, I am alive and I have the ability to change those things in my life which I do not like. I think that overall, this will be the subject of my blog... Those positive changes in my life and what I am doing to make them happen. What do I want to change?

1) I want to lose 60 pounds. Yes, this is a huge amount of weight, roughly 30% of my complete body weight and equal to my childrens' combined weight. I want to lose this weight because I don't like being so big. All my life, I have struggled with body image issues. I recognize that the physical transformation is just the beginning, but every story needs a beginning... Today, I weigh 203lbs and my waist is 38.5". Once a month, around the 19th, I'll repost with where I am. It is my hope that this will keep me accountable and encourage others to recognize that they are not alone.

2) I want to get my AA and eventually my BA. Right now I am somewhere in my sophmore year, which means I am close. I love writing, literature and history, so although I don't know what my major will be today I would guess that it will be in one of those three areas.

3) I want to be a good wife and mother. I'm not saying that I am bad in those roles today, just that I recognize there is room for improvement. We are an Army family and there are stresses that we go through that I want to be able to lovingly guide my family through. My role is one of support and encouragement, I need to embrace those two ideas and create a family where love is in the center.

4) I want to be able to guide my daughter through the next few years. She is at a vulnerable age and being sent back and forth between myself and my exhusband. This is not at all what I envisioned when I left him, but I need to teach her to embrace the hardship and make the most out of it. I am coming to the realization that my exhusband is my cross.

With all the things that I don't like about my life or myself, I am pleased to be in the position to love and care for my family. I could gush and say that my husband is wonderful and amazing, but anyone who is in a real marriage would know that this is the candy coated version. We do things that irritate each other and sometimes I would love to throw the hardest object I could find at him. We love each other and more importantly, we are committed to each other and our family. He is my best friend and at my most vulnerable moments he is there with the emotional strength that I lack. That means something to me. As for my kids, I love them... I can't imagine how I could not love these two obnoxious and endearing creatures that I carried inside of me and nourished at my breast. On days that I am sick or upset, they are what cause me to get out of bed. They, like me, are imperfect, but they are a gift from God and I try to cherish them.

The Passionate Season

A passage from Madeleine L'Engle's "The Passionate Season"

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.