White Christmas?

I love White Christmas, the movie and the real thing. Unfortunately, the closest I will get to it is white sandy beaches this year. Most people would be thrilled, but I'm not. I would much rather a white Christmas, alone at home with my children and husband much like last year's. I can handle this alternative though, it will be an opportunity to spend some extra time with my family.

So, it has been four months since my family has last seen me and I've lost even more weight. I'm at 192 lbs, which is four pounds less than I was when I got pregnant with Baby #2. My waist is also at a 36.5 now. Not too bad I guess. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I'm looking forward to getting down to 150lbs, it won't be a long time now. I've lost 22 lbs since my high of 214 and I have another 42 to go... I'm a third of the way there. I checked out what my Body Fat was, it is 30.8%. Anything over 30% is considered unhealthy. Once I hit 29.9% I will lose be considered "acceptable" with my body fat, that isn't that far away. The frustrating thing is that the size 16s are mostly too small and the 18s too big.

I'll make sure to check in next year.

monthly update

Well, deployment stinks, anyone who has gone through that knows already and I am sure the people who have not yet, don't believe that it is a picnic. Honestly, though, it isn't nearly as bad as I imagined... We are all doing okay, enjoying our days. Of course we miss our soldier's presence in our day to day life, but we have adjusted quite well. I actually just got done putting the rest of his laundry away, I guess I'll have a little less to do for the next however many months.

With the hubby gone, I've been working on self improvement. Learning to eat in moderation, working out regularly, taking the kids on walks, these are all a part of my life now. I have to say, I feel a lot more energetic these days and he hasn't been gone a full three weeks. So where am I in my goals? I weigh 205 pounds as of last Thursday (I'll weigh in again tomorrow). My waist is also down to 37 inches. Not too bad at all. I'm also noticing some more muscle definition... Working towards such a big goal is not always easy and does take quite a bit of time, but I'm discovering that it is totally worth it. Who knows, I could look like a completely different person by the time the hubby comes home on leave... Now, that would be a treat!

Take care y'all.

All things have their season

Last week we kicked off a "Walk to Iraq" with the hubby's battalion. I couldn't help but notice the beautiful change in nature that has happened in the last few weeks. Leaves have started to change colors, the weather has a touch of crispness in it. Fall is coming. With fall comes baked apples, pumpkin everything, Halloween and Thanksgiving. My husband won't be here for those events this year. This makes it a little bittersweet, as Fall is my favorite time of year.

All of the thoughts caused me to think about Ephesians and the verse "All things have their season." Being separated is just a season in our marriage, one that will eventually pass. This makes the thought of me being away from my husband a little easier to handle. In my life I have gone through many seasons, what is one small season of my marriage, it is nothing when I put it against the time we have spent together. Over this year many things will change, but the love I feel for my husband... The prayers I pray for him and our children... Those things will stay the same. What season of life are you in?

One of my primary focuses as deployment nears is to get into better health. I have been working out 3-5 times per week for going on four weeks and am starting to feel a little down. Two weeks ago I weighed 209, now 208. However, four months ago my waist measured 38.5, today it was a 37. That is definitely not a bad start, but I can't help but feel a little frustrated that the weight isn't coming off faster. It would be nice to wake up twenty pounds lighter tomorrow... Since that won't happen, the next best thing would probably be to keep working and eventually reach that 60lb lighter goal.

Change of Tides

It is interesting that life is so much like the ocean. There is an ebb and flow that is rhythmic, after the bad comes amazing good and so on. I would guess that this is one of those times that I am ebbing towards the bad. This is okay because I know that there will be amazing good that comes afterwards, I just have to wait.

With my hubby getting ready to deploy and my oldest starting school, life is definitely in a flux. We are having to cope with the one car family thing, which is frustrating to say the least. Even worse, tensions are high as we try to cope with the coming estrangement and the changes that will come with it. I am wanting every moment to be spent with the kids so that they have as many memories as possible to sustain them. I think he wants this, too, it's just a little harder to come at when you are the one leaving and you constantly are in front of those you will miss the most. I have to know that no matter what, the coming year will pass and we will be back together as a family. In the meantime, I better get ready to ride that wave.

The One Influence Who Will Forever Remain With Me

Each of us has someone who helps set our path for us. Some of the time this is good, other times it is not. I was blessed to have the best woman I have ever known be my grandmother.

Nana was strong, opinionated, talented, brave and Godly. She was a woman before her time, graduating high school at 15 and college at 17, in 1928. She married my grandfather two years after and spent her life as an "Army Wife". She lived through the good and prayed through the bad. In her 50's she was widowed, and although she lived to 86, she never remarried. She could cook, garden, quilt, tumble gemstones and with a hug make everything feel better.

She did not like me when I was an older child and teenager. I was strong willed and didn't do things as she would have had me (or looking back, as I would have had me) do them. Yet, I never felt that I was not loved by her. She was honest with me and willing to tell me when she thought I was wrong and why. To date, the most profound moment of my life happened when I was 21 and she told me, "I didn't use to like you, I loved you, but I didn't like you. Now, I like you and I am proud that you are my granddaughter." The words still sting because I understand the meaning, but they make me aware of my personal journey and the woman that I have become.

Nana is why I quilt, she is why I continue to attempt to garden and she is why I try to keep my mouth closed when I want to lash out. She was a lady until the day she died and I want nothing more than to be like her. If I was recognized as a woman of her caliber, it would be saying a lot. I told her when I was 18 that I wanted to be "Susie Homemaker", the next Christmas she gave me an entire set of cookbooks. She told me that I would need the right tools if I wanted to be "Susie Homemaker". Nana listened.

These last few days, I have thought about Nana quite a bit. I think it is because she has been gone for two and a half years and so much in my life has changed. So much more is going to change, though. My mother, her daughter, is dealing with very serious health issues and Nana always seemed to have an inner strength that calmed us all. She is not here to do that now. I have to find a way to calm myself and to remains strong for my family and I am terrified that I will fail at this. I find myself wanting to retreat into my own home and ignore the life that is going on around me, but I know that this would not be living up to my grandmother's example. So now, I must pray through the bad.

For anyone reading, the best piece of advice I have ever heard came from Nana after she had been placed in Hospice. When asked what lesson was the most important in her life, she told us, "Never say anything intentionally meant to hurt another person, our words hurt others enough when we don't try."

How'd I get here?

As a 16 year old, I would never have guessed that I would be where I am today. I am married, I have two kids and I have yet to finish my college degree. I am overweight and have a divorce under my belt. All of this combined makes me want to wince. The great thing is, I am alive and I have the ability to change those things in my life which I do not like. I think that overall, this will be the subject of my blog... Those positive changes in my life and what I am doing to make them happen. What do I want to change?

1) I want to lose 60 pounds. Yes, this is a huge amount of weight, roughly 30% of my complete body weight and equal to my childrens' combined weight. I want to lose this weight because I don't like being so big. All my life, I have struggled with body image issues. I recognize that the physical transformation is just the beginning, but every story needs a beginning... Today, I weigh 203lbs and my waist is 38.5". Once a month, around the 19th, I'll repost with where I am. It is my hope that this will keep me accountable and encourage others to recognize that they are not alone.

2) I want to get my AA and eventually my BA. Right now I am somewhere in my sophmore year, which means I am close. I love writing, literature and history, so although I don't know what my major will be today I would guess that it will be in one of those three areas.

3) I want to be a good wife and mother. I'm not saying that I am bad in those roles today, just that I recognize there is room for improvement. We are an Army family and there are stresses that we go through that I want to be able to lovingly guide my family through. My role is one of support and encouragement, I need to embrace those two ideas and create a family where love is in the center.

4) I want to be able to guide my daughter through the next few years. She is at a vulnerable age and being sent back and forth between myself and my exhusband. This is not at all what I envisioned when I left him, but I need to teach her to embrace the hardship and make the most out of it. I am coming to the realization that my exhusband is my cross.

With all the things that I don't like about my life or myself, I am pleased to be in the position to love and care for my family. I could gush and say that my husband is wonderful and amazing, but anyone who is in a real marriage would know that this is the candy coated version. We do things that irritate each other and sometimes I would love to throw the hardest object I could find at him. We love each other and more importantly, we are committed to each other and our family. He is my best friend and at my most vulnerable moments he is there with the emotional strength that I lack. That means something to me. As for my kids, I love them... I can't imagine how I could not love these two obnoxious and endearing creatures that I carried inside of me and nourished at my breast. On days that I am sick or upset, they are what cause me to get out of bed. They, like me, are imperfect, but they are a gift from God and I try to cherish them.

The Passionate Season

A passage from Madeleine L'Engle's "The Passionate Season"

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.